How it all began
I can hardly remember what I ate for dinner last night, so it never ceases to amaze me how many mundane and insignificant details I remember about the day I realized something was very wrong.
It was Saturday, November 4, 2023. My husband was called into work, and I was looking forward to a day of bed-rotting and catching up on the latest book in the A Court of Thorns and Roses series. When lunchtime rolled around, I decided to change out of my “Adam Sandler” clothes and take a shower so I could look at least somewhat presentable for the Jersey Mike’s employees.
When I glanced in the bathroom mirror, I noticed two things: First, lying around half the day had given me a gnarly side ponytail that made me look like Deb from Napoleon Dynamite. Second…what the hell was that indentation on the side of my right breast?
I could feel my heart start to race as I examined it more closely. I noticed that when I flexed my arm the indentation got deeper and more noticeable. I silently told myself not to panic while I started to feel around the area.
And then I felt it.
A small hard lump, deep inside, that felt like a BB or a very small marble. My stomach dropped. I felt like I was going to be sick. I kept my gaze fixed on my reflection for a few minutes, hoping that if I stared long enough, the indentation would disappear and I could convince myself I imagined it all. For a split second I went into a state of denial. That indentation in my breast must have always been there. It had to be. There’s no way I could be dealing with a potential cancer diagnosis at the age of 37. Right?
My first mistake was Googling. Actually, if I’m being honest, my first mistake was driving to Jersey Mike’s in hysterics. (I had already placed the mobile order…c’mon, I couldn't let it go to waste). Within minutes of searching online, I had convinced myself I had the most aggressive form of breast cancer. Every article seemed to make the situation worse, and the deeper I searched, the more terrified I became. I called my doctor and they were able to schedule me for a phone appointment the next day. With nothing left to do but wait, I spent the rest of the day crying and panic texting my husband and friend.
It felt like forever before my appointment came the next day, but thankfully the doctor I spoke with took my concerns seriously and scheduled me in for a mammogram appointment on Tuesday of that same week. This was the first time I realized just how excruciating waiting for answers could be. And unfortunately, as I’m sure many of you know, there is a LOT of waiting throughout the entire journey. In my next post I’ll share the story of my mammogram, and the first of many lessons I would learn about patience, uncertainty, and finding strength.